[Ed has replayed everything over and over in his head for years. He picked apart every moment leading up to the transmutation -- each conversation, the notes they compiled, every decision.
He was the one who suggested human transmutation after their mother died. It was him. He was the one who thought it was ok to play God. Yes, Al agreed to it, poured just as much energy into their research as he did. They worked on it together. They created their theory together. They drew the transmutation circle together. They cut their fingers and used their own blood like that was all they would need to pay for a human soul. They both tried to do the impossible and they both payed the price.
That was their burden. His and Al's. There was no one to blame for their actions. But in the end, Ed was still the one who suggested it. He knows it's stupid, he knows Al would beat the crap out of him and then some if he ever found out that Ed still held on to this guilt, but...
The guilt Ed felt right now was temporary, he knew it was. It wasn't that he felt absolved from it -- he still regrets ever making that decision -- but he's moved on from it and that's the important distinction. He hasn't forgotten, never will, but he's accepted it.
What he hasn't accepted is himself. Ed doesn't feel like a good person, he still feels like one giant fuck up, now especially. He knows that until he sees Al back in his own body, he won't be able to let go of that feeling. He knows it happened, yes. He knows that he kept his promise, but it hasn't happened for him yet.
But... hearing her say that still manages to bring out a sad, broken, albeit sincere smile. Knowing he was able to do that for her, with one simple phrase, one that meant so much to him, one he wished he listened to when he still had the chance, makes him feel like maybe, just maybe, he could still do something right. Maybe there was hope for him yet.]
You're welcome, Diana.
[He swallows hard, wiping at his face with the back of his hand, the smile fading slightly.]
I was... I was only ten when we tried it. Me and my little brother, Al... he was nine.
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Date: 2011-11-18 07:27 am (UTC)[Ed has replayed everything over and over in his head for years. He picked apart every moment leading up to the transmutation -- each conversation, the notes they compiled, every decision.
He was the one who suggested human transmutation after their mother died. It was him. He was the one who thought it was ok to play God. Yes, Al agreed to it, poured just as much energy into their research as he did. They worked on it together. They created their theory together. They drew the transmutation circle together. They cut their fingers and used their own blood like that was all they would need to pay for a human soul. They both tried to do the impossible and they both payed the price.
That was their burden. His and Al's. There was no one to blame for their actions. But in the end, Ed was still the one who suggested it. He knows it's stupid, he knows Al would beat the crap out of him and then some if he ever found out that Ed still held on to this guilt, but...
The guilt Ed felt right now was temporary, he knew it was. It wasn't that he felt absolved from it -- he still regrets ever making that decision -- but he's moved on from it and that's the important distinction. He hasn't forgotten, never will, but he's accepted it.
What he hasn't accepted is himself. Ed doesn't feel like a good person, he still feels like one giant fuck up, now especially. He knows that until he sees Al back in his own body, he won't be able to let go of that feeling. He knows it happened, yes. He knows that he kept his promise, but it hasn't happened for him yet.
But... hearing her say that still manages to bring out a sad, broken, albeit sincere smile. Knowing he was able to do that for her, with one simple phrase, one that meant so much to him, one he wished he listened to when he still had the chance, makes him feel like maybe, just maybe, he could still do something right. Maybe there was hope for him yet.]
You're welcome, Diana.
[He swallows hard, wiping at his face with the back of his hand, the smile fading slightly.]
I was... I was only ten when we tried it. Me and my little brother, Al... he was nine.